Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
