In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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