Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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