my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize