I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
