You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
