After last night, I could never be a politician.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
