I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
