My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
