Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
