After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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