if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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