wanna go halves on a baby?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
