i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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