Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
