Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
