thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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