God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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