he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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