my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
