When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I showed him my bush... on skype.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
