I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
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