You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
