Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
