maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I see more hoeing in ur future
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