I heard we made out
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
