I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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