Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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