Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize