there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
