Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
