soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize