Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
