Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
where am i from again
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My underwear smells like fireworks.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
