If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
