Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
