Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize