If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize