GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
