I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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