You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
