I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
