apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
