Michael Bay diarrhea
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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