im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
