I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
