i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
