I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize