Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
