I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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