I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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