true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
