i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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