I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize