I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
