why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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