I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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