yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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