my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
