My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
