My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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