haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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