i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
