Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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