I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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