My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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