just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
