She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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