I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
