i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
