Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
