you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
